Know the Ostrich

"I can't even."

If I had a dime for every friend, student, colleague, family member, barista, organ grinder, or grocery cashier that replies, "I can't even . . . " to the question, "So how's it going?" I'd have enough dimes to buy a couple bags of luxury ice cubes or make a serious dent in someone's college loan debt.

Whatever your political predilection, if your nervous system glided through the past couple of months unscathed then I'm guessing you've been living in a WiFi-free cave, with no complimentary copy of USA Today waiting outside your cave entry each morning.

A friend told me that she's so wrung out from all the divisiveness, arguing, and rancor in her news feed that she craved nothing more than to bury her head for a long while. "I want to be a clueless ostrich," she said. 

I understand. Bigly, I understand. 


Only here's the thing. It turns out ostriches have an undeserved bad rap. It's a myth that they're so unintelligent that they bury their heads in the sand assuming that if they can't see predators, their predators can't see them. "If you see them picking at the ground from a distance, it may look like their heads are buried in the ground," says Glinda Cunningham of the American Ostrich Association, "but it’s an optical illusion."

Ostriches can run at speeds of up to 43 miles per hour. And their visual powers aren't too shabby either: with the largest eyeballs of any bird, they can see more than two miles from where they're standing. They can roar like lions. Plus they don't have teeth, which frees up time they'd otherwise have to spend flossing.